Tagged: humour

Two New Games: Llamageddon and The Ten Million Invocations of Esnesnon

Having just finished writing a story a day for the whole month of July, it would be reasonable to expect I wouldn’t have any new stuff to share for a while. Reasonable, but wrong. Here’s two new games for you!

One is Llamageddon, written for inkJam 2020. It’s my first time writing anything with Ink, so I can’t promise it’ll be as polished as anything I’ve made with Twine, but the whole process seemed to go surprisingly smoothly.

The theme for the jam was “In case of trouble” and sees you take on the role of the President of Space, calling in Agent Andes – one badass llama – to stop a deadly asteroid crashing into Earth. I don’t want to toot my own horn too hard, but I think it’s pretty dope.

The other forms my entry for IntroComp 2020, which was alluded to in Time for Toast. This one is called The Ten Million Invocations of Esnesnon, and does pretty much what it says on the tin: it consists of exactly ten million unique invocations to a fictional god.

The invocations will be recited automatically at a rate of one every 15 seconds, so you quite literally don’t have to do anything to see them all. However, it does take approximately 4.75 years to run through the full ten million, so don’t feel obliged to sit through the whole lot in one go. It will save your progress if you decide to take a break.

You can rate both of these for their respective events, so if that’s something that interests you then please do go ahead. However, if you do, I’d appreciate it if you could also rate at least a couple of other entries: I assume I’ve got more of an audience than some of the other participants and wouldn’t like to simply funnel people towards my own work (although I also assume I don’t really have the clout for it to make a significant difference). You can find inkJam entries in need of some love through this link, and the full selection of IntroComp games through this one.

Also do let me know if you run into any bugs with Llamageddon. I’ve tried my best to make sure everything works, but that’s always tough when you’re using an unfamiliar tool and 72-hour time limits aren’t conducive to it either.

Specialist Language

Flash Fiction Month 2020, Day 29

It was a bomb. A large bomb. The kind of bomb with several sticks of dynamite taped together, a bunch of wires sticking out, and for some reason a nice obvious LED display to give a clear indication of exactly how much time was left until the whole thing went boom.

The LED display read “2:27,” though it had been quite a bit higher to begin with.

“We have a specialist here to offer guidance,” announced Commissioner Hindsight, from a great distance, through a very large megaphone. “I realise we probably should have called her in sooner, but better late than never, right?”

Colonel Megaton took another glance at the display: “2:16.”

“There’s a limit to how long that’s gonna stay true!” he shouted back.

“I’m passing you over now,” said the Commissioner. “Professor Fanity, if you would?” He handed over the megaphone.

“Right!” said the professor. “The first thing you wanna do is ********** the ****ing blue wire!” Continue reading

Well Disguised

Flash Fiction Month 2020, Day 27

Banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana bandana.

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook CoverOsiris Likes This Cover

Click any cover to find that book in your choice of format.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water

Flash Fiction Month 2020, Day 26

Once upon a time a little child lost in the Highlands stumbled upon a horse grazing by a loch.

“What is wrong?” asked the horse, seeing the tears upon his face.

“I have wandered away from home,” said the small boy, “and I know not where I am.”

“Then climb upon my back,” said the horse, “and I shall take you to a nearby town. I cannot say whether that is where your home is, but somebody there must surely be able to help.”

But no sooner had the child climbed upon the horse’s back, his whole appearance changed. His chin grew long, his skin grew grey, and he grew long tufts of russet hair from his kneecaps.

Compelled by some hideous force, the horse began to walk towards the loch.

“Aha!” cried the goblin—for in truth this was not a child at all. “I am the legendary Gluebottom Greg! Whatever beast I ride upon shall be compelled to drive itself into whatever standing water may lie nearby, there to drown! Entire fields have I emptied of livestock in this way, and entire fields more shall yet be emptied! No force can move me, to tongue persuade me, your doom is assured!”

“I’m a kelpie,” said the horse. Continue reading

Neon Genesis Existentialism

Flash Fiction Month 2020, Day 24

“Do you ever feel like you’re in a cheap Japanese cartoon?”

“No.”

Junpei turned to stare into the sunset…which, now that he considered it, would be a great way of avoiding all the faff of lip-syncing his speech. “Maybe it’s just impostor syndrome. Maybe it’s everything that’s happened lately. I just… I don’t know. I just feel like the moment I get through one challenge, there’s another one right around the corner, and it’s even bigger than the last.

Sakura shrugged. “Well that’s life, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but—”

“Look. Are you going to have a personal crisis, or are you going to help me win this transforming monster arena battle and become the greatest Kaijugan collector of all time?”

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook CoverOsiris Likes This Cover

Click any cover to find that book in your choice of format.

Coming Back with a Whimper

Flash Fiction Month 2020, Day 22

“Hi everybody,” said Major Megaton, stepping into the Society of Rectitude canteen with his hands on his hips. “Did you miss me?”

“Oh, hey!” said Broccoli Man, giving him a wave. “Great to see you.”

There was a general mumble of acknowledgement from the other assorted heroes.

“Yep,” said Major Megaton, doing a little stretch. “Just me, Major Megaton, casually popping in for lunch.”

“Lasagne very good today!” grunted the Insatiable Bulk. “Bulk recommend!”

“Ensign Here!” Major Megaton walked over and slapped the stationery stalwart on the back. “I haven’t seen you since…when was it? When I detonated the 100 kiloton warhead lodged in my ribcage in order to defeat that giant fire-breathing dinosaur that was attacking the city? Man, that was a while back!”

“Yeah!” said Ensign Here. “Fun times.”

“Yeppers.” Major Megaton rubbed his hands, looking around the room. “Don’t, uh… Don’t think I’ve seen any of you at all since then. Now that I think about it, you must have assumed I was killed in that explosion.” Continue reading

Not a People Person

Flash Fiction Month 2020, Day 21

Challenge #9: Write a funny story about something taboo, including something goth.

“Hello there.” The extremely pale, extremely bored-looking waitress approached with a notepad. “Can I start you off with a basket of Fred?”

“What?” said Will.

“It’s on the house, of course,” she clarified.

“Oh, go on then,” said Annabelle, picking up her menu.

Will picked up his own. “What’s ‘Megs Bennedict’?”

“People called Meg with hollandaise sauce,” said Annabelle, without looking up.

Will laughed. “No, seriously.”

“And here’s your Fred,” said the waitress, setting down a basket of gross jiggling flesh lumps on the black silk tablecloth.

“Oh.” He had just spotted the restaurant name on the front of the menu: “Cannibal Café.” He supposed that did explain the rather gruesome skull centrepiece with the candles in the eye sockets.

“Are you ready to order or do you need some more time?” asked the waitress.

“Is your Todd in the hole ethically sourced?”

“Not really.” The waitress shrugged.

There was a loud crash from the kitchen. “Please! I have a family!”

“But it is very fresh,” she added.

Annabelle set her menu neatly on the table in front of her. “I’ll have one of those, please.”

“And for sir?” The waitress turned to Will.

“Uhhh…” From the Herb chicken to the crêpes Suzette, he really wasn’t sure there was anything he wanted. “Do you have any vegetarian options?”

“Yes, of course.” The waitress leaned over to indicate them on the menu with her long black fingernail. “The chicken Kevin and the sloppy Joe are both vegetarian, and the BLT where the ‘B’ stands for ‘Brian’ is actually vegan.”

“Perhaps just a salad?”

“That comes with soylent vinegar.”

Will considered his options. He was really pretty hungry, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to start chowing down on human flesh. He was reasonably confident that was frowned upon by some.

At last, the solution dawned upon him.

“Can I just order from the kids menu?”

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook CoverOsiris Likes This Cover

Click any cover to find that book in your choice of format.

424 Failed Dependency

Flash Fiction Month 2020, Day 20

“She’s still out there.” Abbie turned away from the window for a moment. “I don’t like this. Should we call someone?”

“Over some kid standing outside?” Ethan shook his head. “She must be staying in one of the other cabins.”

“I didn’t see a car outside any of them. And she’s right outside ours!”

Ethan shrugged. “Well, that’s allowed.”

“I still don’t like it. She hasn’t moved once. She’s just standing there, staring at the lake. And in this weather!”

Ethan stood up and took another look at the figure in the little yellow raincoat. “At least she’s dressed for it!”

“Ethan!”

“Fine! If you’re that worried about it I’ll go out and make sure she’s okay.”

He walked into the little porch at the front of the cabin and stood there with his hand an inch from the doorknob. Continue reading

It’s All in the Presentation

Flash Fiction Month 2020, Day 19

“It is I!” proclaimed the bemonocled gentleman, “The Pangolin! Come to steal your weather machine and blackmail the mayor into naming a park after me!”

“I…” Doctor Harrison wasn’t entirely sure what to do with this information. “Okay?”

“Don’t try to stop me! I’m one tough customer, here to establish a criminal empire of unprecedented scale.”

“Do you have superpowers, though? I mean you’ve got a nickname. I just don’t—”

“I’m an aristocrat with a taste for the finer things.” He doffed his top hat and flicked out his extremely long tongue for emphasis. “You might say I’m a rare breed.”

“Are these jokes?” asked Doctor Harrison. “I feel like you’re putting a really weird emphasis on certain words but I don’t know why.”

“But… You… Wh—” He wiped his forehead with a handkerchief. “I’m the Pangolin! Tough, scaly, rare…” He stared at her. “The Pangolin!” Continue reading

No Fate

Flash Fiction Month 2020, Day 18

Challenge #8: Write a story of exactly 55 words that includes both a birth and a death, and an element of love.

The cyborg’s head exploded, spraying brains and microchips everywhere.

“Sandra Connet.” The sunglasses lady pumped her shotgun. “I am you from the future. The child you have birthed will become leader of the resistance.”

“Want to make out?”

“Affirmative.”

It was either super hot or super gross, depending how you feel about self-on-self time-travel romance.

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook CoverOsiris Likes This Cover

Click any cover to find that book in your choice of format.