Tagged: weird

Girth Loinhammer’s Most Exponential Adventure Now Complete!

Girth Loinhammer’s Most Exponential Adventure is now complete! It took 25 months to write and is comprised of 1023 passages of text totalling 181,029 words (107 of which are “nuts” and 62 of which are “balls”). At least 1,024 of those words are simply “The End,” which should give you some idea of the range of alternate endings available. If you’ve been following for a while, you’ll know that it was always planned to have 512 of the things.

I’ll be attempting to screenshot the entire flowchart at some point to give some idea of the scale, but don’t currently have the necessary hardware attached to my computer. The full thing – even at the minimum level of magnification that Twine allows – spreads across eight monitors, so the only way I can actually capture it is to spread it across two and use those to grab the four corners of the chart, which I later stitch together. Continue reading

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Damon L. Wakes’ WiFi Simulator 2018

Every now and again, I have trouble coaxing my computer and the wireless router into talking to each other. Maybe it’s the fact that they’re at opposite ends of the house, maybe it’s interference from a nearby airport, maybe the two machines just aren’t on good terms. Perhaps the dinosaurs that formed the oil that became their plastic shells were neighbours who didn’t get along. Can you imagine that? Like, one of them was super neat and fussy, and the other one was super chill but kept forgetting to take his patio umbrella in when it got windy and the fussy one would always find it rolling around his garden messing up the petunias. That would make a great sitcom, but I digress.

The point is, once in a while my WiFi stops working, and every time it does I find myself struggling to get it back up and running. At a certain point it feels as though the smart thing to do would be to give up and work on something that doesn’t demand an internet connection, but even things that don’t demand that seem to at least benefit from it considerably. That’s why I made this:

Damon L. Wakes’ WiFi Simulator 2018

That’s right! Damon L. Wakes’ WiFi Simulator 2018 offers you an interactive glance at my own creative process. Marvel at the captivating range of options available to you. Be astounded by the faithfulness of the intricately crafted simulation. Ponder whether the author might not truly be the victim of an eons-long spat between comically mismatched saurian neighbours raging on through the ages.

Also, try turning it off and on again. And again and again and again…

Ultraviolent Unicorn Deathmatch of Destiny

Flash Fiction Month 2017, Day 22

Challenge #10*: Write an interactive story with at least two good endings and two bad endings. It must feature a conflict between Man and Society, and must also involve a choice that hinges on equipping the right item.

A hyperlinked version of this story is available here.

1

In the arena, two majestic alabaster unicorns duel to the death. Their tungsten chainsaw horns ring out against one another like a swarm of killer bees in a blender.

Intervene: 2

Place bet: 3

Leave: 4 Continue reading

Girth Loinhammer Book Coming 2018!

Dungeon Lord lovers rejoice: I’ve signed a contract for another book, and this one features none other than Girth “Meatthrust” Loinhammer himself. Just look how happy he is!

Artwork by Joe Wright

If you’re subscribed to my newsletter or a regular at the open mics I read at then you’ll have known about this for quite a while, but Aperture Editions are now on board to publish Girth Loinhammer’s Most Exponential Adventure, the massively interactive Dungeon Lord story that I’ve been working on for the past year and a half. This thing’s huge: it’s currently 150,00 words in total and it’s still not quite finished. The version available online only includes half the content. There’s a lot I’ve held back. Continue reading

Robocopout Available Now!

It may have taken the longest of any of my Flash Fiction Month anthologies to put together, but 2016’s collection – Robocopout – is now available, and for the first time ever I’ve managed to release the ebook and paperback simultaneously.

Robocopout Paperback Cover

Not pictured: ebook edition. Because it’s made out of electrons and they’re pretty shy.

This particular copy is already in the post to Jo Bellamy, the Ten Little Astronauts supporter who won the 100 supporter draw a little while back. If you want a paperback of your very own, you can get one on Amazon UK or Amazon US (and probably other places too). If you want an ebook, I highly recommend Smashwords which has every format you could possibly want and they’re all DRM-free.

Flash Fiction Antholoy Fan sam_2320

Every year my selection of flash fiction anthologies gets a little bit more garish. Continue reading

Girth Loinhammer’s Most Exponential Adventure 50% Complete!

It’s taken a lot longer than expected (the original plan was to have the entire thing wrapped up by the end of November 2015), but the first (or arguably left-hand) half of Girth Loinhammer’s Most Exponential Adventure is now complete!

exponential-adventure-half

Provided you choose to sit around moping at the at the very beginning of the story, rather than going off and doing something interesting, you can explore every single possible option leading off from that point, and follow along all the way to every possible ending: 256 in all!

I’ll be starting work on the second (or right-hand) half of the Adventure pretty much immediately, but it might be a while before I make the new content available just so that there aren’t too many dead ends for readers to stumble into. If you haven’t taken a look at this yet, now’s a great time: you’ve got absolutely masses of options and I can guarantee that any storyline you can start, you can also finish.

At the time of writing, the story is 78,629 words in length altogether, making it the single longest work I’ve ever released by a reasonable margin (the next longest is currently Face of Glass, at 55,550). Despite that, this novel-length interactive story is completely free to explore. If you’d like to chuck some money my way, however, please consider pledging to support Ten Little Astronauts, my crowdfunded novella. You’ll get a book that wouldn’t have existed any other way, every copy will have your name recorded in the back as one of its patrons, and you’ll be helping me achieve my dream of having my best work to date distributed by Penguin Random House. It’s a win-win-win!

NaNoWriMo 2016

It’s got a little overshadowed by Ten Little Astronauts and Craft Keep, but yes, I’m participating in National Novel Writing Month again this year! However, I’m not writing a novel this time around. I’m continuing last year’s massively interactive fantasy story, Girth Loinhammer’s Most Exponential Adventure. The upshot of this is that although we’re only six days into the event, and although I only really got into it on Day 3 myself, the project is already more than 60,000 words long (50,000 from last year, plus 10,000 words of never-before-seen storylines from the past six days).

exponential-adventure-wip-flowchart

The only way I could get the entire flowchart into one image was to set up multiple monitors, and even then I had to stitch two screenshots together.

Continue reading

David Bowie Day

Flash Fiction Month 2016, Day 29

Challenge #13*: David Bowie Day. Write a story exploring themes of death or identity, including something beginning and something ending, and incorporating transhumanism. It must include at least 10 quotes or lyrics by David Bowie, and a character based on Bowie himself.

Blasting across the universe in a napalm-propelled rocketship with an Egyptian goddess in the driver’s seat and a money-pooping goat in the cargo hold was not the carefree getaway Girth Loinhammer had hoped it would be. He let out a gentle sigh.

“What’s wrong?” asked Sekhmet. Despite being the goddess of bloodshed, she was surprisingly sensitive to other people’s feelings (and unsurprisingly liable to punch in the face anybody who mentioned this out loud).

“It’s nothing,” he said. Then, feeling he might as well get it out there: “It’s just…you know we’re fictional characters, right?”

“No,” said Sekhmet, rolling her eyes. “I thought we were in a real napalm spaceship with a real money-pooping goat.”

“Okay, point taken. The thing is, when we exist, it’s because we’re in a story. And when I’m in a story, I almost always have to explain that I used to run a generic fantasy dungeon, that everyone I took prisoner in it was expecting a different kind of dungeon, and then within a thousand words it ends with me running off because things geterotic.

“Why do you always say that in subscript?”

“Because I don’t like it! You know me, I like violence. I’m not happy when things getsexual.

“Hey, foos!” put in the ship’s computer, which of course contained the uploaded consciousness of Mr. T. “There’s a starman waiting in the sky!”

“What?” asked Sekhmet.

“Knowing my luck,” said Girth, gloomily, “it’ll be some androgynous weirdo.”

Continue reading

Breakfast at Timmy’s

Flash Fiction Month 2016, Day 24

“I can’t believe you’re eating poutine for breakfast,” said Mike, staring at Joe over his huge stack of pancakes.

“I can’t believe you’re not!” said Joe, setting the mountainous pile of food down on the tree stump they’d taken to using as a breakfast table. “Fries, cheese curds, gravy…it’s got everything a growing lumberjack needs!”

“Yeah. Because nobody in the history of the world has ever associated pancakes with lumberjacks.”

Suddenly, as if enraged by sarcasm, a moose charged out of the trees and straight through the lumberjacks’ breakfast.

“Well that was something, eh?” said Joe. Then he noticed the state of his breakfast. “Aww. That moose got maple syrup all over my poutine. Could you lend me a toonie for another?”

Mike was about to say “no,” and follow it up with, “but is it seriously just two dollars, because that’s either really good or really suspicious,” but he was drowned out by the sudden appearance of a helicopter descending into the clearing. Continue reading

Ceci n’est pas une histoire.

Flash Fiction Month 2016, Day 20

Challenge #9: Write surrealist comedy featuring a deity, an ex-lover, and a machine. The conflict of the story must be resolved using a Deus ex Machina.

It was an exceptionally hot day in the golf course at the centre of the earth, and so Salvador Dali’s moustache was enjoying a nice cool dip in the local clock.

“Swim, swim, swim,” said Salvador Dali’s moustache, content in the knowledge that nothing at all could possibly disturb the serenity of this lovely scene.

But suddenly, Adolf Hitler’s evil moustache appeared, wielding a doomsday device!

Continue reading