Tagged: funny

A Wretched Hive of Scum and Pedantry

Flash Fiction Month 2019, Day 15

“This is the ship that did the Sselek run in less than twelve parsecs.”

“Isn’t a parsec a unit of distance rather than time?”

“Come now, Buke,” put in Ken Benobi. “I’m sure that what this dashing space-rogue means is that he managed to take a particularly dangerous shortcut, and that completing the journey without needing to travel any farther is a demonstration of his skill.”

“Okay, but even if you take that to be the case, isn’t it kind of weird for the pilot of an interstellar spacecraft to boast about a twelve-parsec journey? Twelve parsecs wouldn’t get you beyond the closest handful of stars. I mean, we say we want him to take us to the other side of the country, and his response is ‘I can drive to the corner shop really, really fast.’ Are we sure we want to hire this guy?”

“I’m sure he’s quite capable of—”

“Also he’s wearing an unwashed pair of Y-fronts on his head.”

Ken Benobi took a moment to study the cantina patron’s curious choice of headgear before turning to Buke Skytalker. “Okay, you know what? Maybe we should ask around. I mean, it never hurts to have options…”

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook CoverOsiris Likes This Cover

Click any cover to find that book in your choice of format.

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Refusing the Call

Flash Fiction Month 2019, Day 14

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Her name was Bolba Biggins and she was very annoyed because just this week she had been obliged to answer the door for one wizard, thirteen dwarves, and sixty-seven RSVPs to some old geezer’s eleventy-first birthday party. Fortunately, the sixty-eigth item of post to come to her door was the paperwork necessary to change her name by deed poll.

She trusted that “Harrie Pottar” would not have to put up with any unwanted letters of this sort.

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook CoverOsiris Likes This Cover

Click any cover to find that book in your choice of format.

Wrong End of the Stick

Flash Fiction Month 2019, Day 3

“So there I was,” said Girth, “choking the chicken in the middle of the cathedral, when suddenly this fancy church guy walks in!”

“That must have been awkward,” observed Sekhmet.

“It was – but how was I supposed to know it was his pet? If you’re going to get attached to an animal that edible you should at least put a bell on it or something. Anyway, he gets all indignant and starts whacking me with his rod.”

“At which point you decide to bash the bishop?”

“Yeah, it sounds bad when you put it like that but I didn’t have a lot of choice but to beat him off. The thing is, it turns out that the bishop didn’t just keep chickens because the moment I hit him, this capuchin drops from the ceiling and just starts screeching and biting me. Naturally it had to be punished?”

“So…you spanked it? You spanked the monkey?”

Girth nodded. “I was tough but fair.”

“I’ve gotta tell you,” said Sekhmet, “your whole day sounds gross.”

“Yeah, well what have you been doing all this time?”

“Me? I’ve been right here, just flicking the bean.” She placed it on the table in front of her, lined up her shot, then pinged it into an upturned hat on the other side of the room. “I’m getting pretty good.”

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook CoverOsiris Likes This Cover

Click any cover to find that book in your choice of format.

Flash Fiction Day 2019

Stories written for Flash Fiction Day 2018: I’ll be updating this post throughout the day if you want to keep up. If you’d like to get involved with this event yourself, you can sign up here! As long as it’s still June 15th in your time zone, it’s not too late!


23:29

1

“Stop evildoer!” cried Sharkman, as his amazing shark tail propelled him swiftly after the ne’er-do-well’s jet-ski.

“No thanks,” said the evildoer, doing an epic jump over a really big wave before skidding to a halt on the beach. “You can’t follow me on land.”

“Mhhhhhh hmmmmmph faaaaaah!” cried a voice(?) from nearby.

The villain turned. There stood a figure with the head of a shark and the body of a man. He struck a heroic pose, his face set in an expression of…well, it was a shark face so it wasn’t particularly expressive.

“What?”

“Mhhhhh hmmmmmmph faaaaah!” the figure repeated.

“He says ‘Not so fast!’” explained yet another newcomer. “For while Sharkman fights crime at sea, Manshark fights it on the land!”

“And who are you?” the criminal demanded.

“I’m Mansharkman. My superpower is the ability to interpret Manshark.”

“And here’s his sharky sidekick!” cried Sharkman, holding aloft a flapping sharky form. “Mansharkmanshark!”

“Okay, yeah, no.” The criminal threw up his hands. “This is clearly one of those stories that just degenerates into recursive nonsense, and I’d rather give myself up than have to sit through it.”

“Awww,” harrumphed Mansharkmansharksharkmanmanmansharkmansharksharkmanman. “You’re no fun!”

23:54

Ultraviolent Unicorn Deathmatch of Destiny – Physical Edition

I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if fifty copies of a book about unicorns with chainsaws for horns had just been dumped on a doorstep somewhere in Hampshire.

~Obi-Wan Kenobi (who is fictional, and therefore can’t sue me for making up quotes)

Yep, that’s right. This is a thing that exists now. It has been made and cannot be unmade. Continue reading

Flappy Bard

Here’s my first HTML5 game – Flappy Bard! You might be wondering why you’re hearing about this one after April 1st’s Cookie Cracker. Well, there are two reasons:

  1. I made Flappy Bard as a birthday present for my sister and wanted her to have a chance to give it a go before it went out to the general public.
  2. I thought that Cookie Cracker would make a better April Fool’s joke if people weren’t already aware that I could create this sort of thing.

Flappy Bard is essentially a clone of the classic Flappy Bird, but with some small changes to the way in which obstacles are spawned and an overall Shakespearian theme. Continue reading

Exponential Adventure at EGX Rezzed

Good news for fans of the Dungeon Lord: Girth Loinhammer’s Most Exponential Adventure will be making an appearance at EGX Rezzed on the 4th of April!

More specifically, a live reading of Girth Loinhammer’s Most Exponential Adventure will be taking place as part of the brand new EGX Rezzed Fringe Theatre. For anybody unfamiliar with the story, it’s a massively interactive fantasy parody that plays out sort of like a Fighting Fantasy gamebook, but typically involves much, much more booze. I’ll read a chunk out loud (probably with funny voices – it gets hard to tell who’s who otherwise), announce the options available to the audience, and then whichever one gets the loudest cheer decides how the story will continue.

This is essentially what I’ve been doing at open mics for the past couple of years, but instead of taking place in a dingy pub somewhere, it’ll be at London’s largest games event.

If you’d like to come and get involved, Exponential Adventure will be running Thursday 4th of April at 2pm, and go on for about 45 minutes. This should allow time for at least three readings, but could stretch to as many as four or five depending on how things go on the day. We’ll be on the ground floor of the Tobacco Dock, which is probably the second most dungeon-y venue I’ve ever had for this.

Tickets are very reasonably priced for an event of this size. If you’re already near London, twenty quid gets you in all day Thursday which will let you see my show and still have a go at plenty of games. If you’re coming from farther afield, a Super Pass for the full three days is just £44.

Also, not to pile on the pressure or anything, but if nobody turns up then I will literally be standing on stage doing nothing because interactive fiction does not work without an audience. So please do share this around!

Red Herring and Bionic Punchline Now Free on Kindle

Red Herring and Bionic Punchline have now joined OCR is Not the Only Font in the free Kindle store, meaning that after six years Amazon is now all caught up with the rest of the internet!

You can download Red Herring for your Kindle here, and you can download Bionic Punchline for your Kindle here. OCR is Not the Only Font is available in exactly the same way. These links all point to Amazon UK, as that’s where the majority of my followers are based, but the ebooks should be available free indefinitely in all territories from now on. If they aren’t where you are, let me know and I’ll do my best to sort it out.

I may write a post on how to organise this at some point. Amazon pushes their (highly inadvisable) KDP Select programme so hard that I didn’t realise there was any other way of offering books for free until I got a tip-off from someone at a Writers’ Guild networking event. Ultimately, however, the process boils down to “ask Amazon nicely, then wait a long time and hope for the best.”

If you’d like to thank me for the free books, the best way of doing that would be to leave a review. Alternatively, the majority of my flash fiction anthologies are not (quite) free, so you might also consider treating yourself to one of those too. Blunderball, the seventh in the series, just came out yesterday. If you fancy something more substantial, there are also Ten Little Astronauts and Face of Glass, both of which have gone down very well with just about everyone who’s read them.

Blunderball Ebook Now Available!

I figured I’d get my 2018 flash fiction anthology out while it was still 2018. Blunderball is now available on Smashwords for $0.99 and should soon appear at other non-Amazon retailers. I’ll aim to get it on Amazon as well before too long, but until then Smashwords also has a Kindle version available so if that’s your device of choice then I recommend getting it there. It isn’t hard to do. A paperback version is in the works as well.

This is actually the fourth book in which my writing has appeared this month, after Unrealpolitik, The Ruminations of a Multiheaded Monster, and of course Ten Little Astronauts!

If you’ve read any of these (or a significant number of the individual stories that make up Blunderball), please do consider leaving a review at your retailer of choice (or Goodreads). It makes such a difference.

Damon L. Wakes’ WiFi Simulator 2018 Simulator 2019

One year ago today I released Damon L. Wakes’ WiFi Simulator 2018. But as we all know, technology moves along quickly and the innovations of yesteryear are soon left behind.

That’s why I’ve produced a brand new work of bold, hyper-realistic interactive fiction: Damon L. Wakes’ WiFi Simulator 2018 Simulator 2019. All the fun of WiFi Simulator 2018, updated and improved for 2019. Just look at this flowchart!

I hope you enjoy playing the game as much as I enjoyed making it. Which is very likely because to be honest it was a bit of a chore.