Tagged: lewd

Appropriate Tributes

Flash Fiction Month 2017, Day 30

“Great Lord Satan! Ruler of Hell! Chap with the really awesome horns and rockin’ goatee! Accept this virgin tribute as a token of our servitude.”

“Yeah,” said Cindi. “About that…”

“Look,” said Arch Anti-Bishop Dave, pulling down his hood. “If you’re going to play the ‘Actually, I’m not a virgin’ card, you can just stop right there. The first thing anyone does in this situation is claim not to be a virgin to avoid getting sacrificed, and I’m telling you now it’s not gonna work.”

“Oh, no, look. I’m not trying to avoid getting sacrificed. Why would I have responded to your Craigslist ad if I was? I’m just saying, you never specified that you needed a virgin, and I’m not sure that I am.”

“How can you not be sure if you’ve had sex?!?”

“Well,” Cindi shrugged, which was awkward on account of hanging upside-down from the ceiling over a portal to Hell. “What counts as sex?”

“You know…” Dave did that “finger going in and out of finger-and-thumb ring” gesture. “Sex.”

“Yeah, obviously, and I’ve never done that. But are there…other things? That would count in this situation?”

Dave narrowed his eyes. “Like what?” Continue reading

Beneath the Black Flag

Flash Fiction Month 2017, Day 26

“Yarr!” cried Long Schlong Silver, one hand on the hilt of his mighty cutlass. “I be on a quest for booty!”

The crew of the boarded vessel stared in awe at Silver’s glistening pecs, peeking coyly from his open, billowing shirt. For a moment, all were too distracted to speak.

Then the captain stepped forward, loosening his cravat. “Have heart, men!” he announced. “I’ll take care of this rogue.”

The captain spoke with a heavy accent. Silver couldn’t quite place where it came from, but he knew with every fibre of his being that it was deeply and innately sexy.

“So ye think ye can handle the legendary Long Schlong Silver?” he demanded, raising an eyebrow.

The captain stepped closer. “I’ve got a few ideas what to do with you.”

Silver took a step himself. He was now so close to the captain that their nipples were practically touching through the one shirt between them. “Do ye now?” Continue reading