Tagged: elves

The ALF/Elf Thing

Flash Fiction Month 2019, Day 16

Challenge #7: Write a story in which an item is used in an unusal manner. The story must take place while characters are having a drink.

“Let ElfCon 2019 begin!” cried Legolas, raising the Horn of Gondor high above his head.

He then lowered the instrument to his lips and began to quaff Tesco own-brand prosecco from it.

“Chug! Chug! Chug!” chanted Snap, Crackle, and Pop, each waving a tiny stein.

All around the Mercian Suite of the Birmingham Conference and Events Centre, hundreds of elves (and one very enthusiastic Will Ferrell) gathered to swap shoemaking anecdotes and archery lifehacks. Drizzt Do’Urden was available for autographs, and The North Pole Workers’ Union had as strong a presence as ever. A good time was had by all.

Then the doors banged open.

“What up, space fans?” bellowed the newcomer. “It’s me, Gordon Shumway! I’ve flown all the way from Melmac, and boy are my arms tired!” He belched. “Haaa! I kill me.” Continue reading

This Stream-of-Consciousness Thing

Flash Fiction Month 2019, Day 7

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. It’s getting super late and I still haven’t thought of anything decent to write. Or at least, I had one semi-workable idea a couple of hours ago about an elf convention where a whole bunch of different elves showed up to talk about working at the North Pole and making shoes for elderly cobblers and shooting orcs in the face, but then ALF shows up because he thought it was an ALF convention. That might have gone somewhere except that I couldn’t really think of anything to happen—I mean, ha-ha, there’s ALF because his name sounds a bit like “elf”—but it seemed like the kind of thing that would end up having no real structure and anyway I don’t know anything about ALF except that he eats cats. I guess the elves could be appalled to see him eat a cat. It’s still not all that funny.

Anyway. Now I’m stuck doing this stream-of-consciousness thing (which will probably end up being the title—that’s depressing) and I’m wondering if this even counts as fiction. I guess I could pass it off as something that I’m making up rather than something that’s actually happening. Let’s go with that.

In hindsight I probably shouldn’t have mentioned the ALF/elf thing because it’ll be super awkward if I actually end up writing it later in the month. That’s a distinct possibility. And actually the more I bring it up in here the more people are going to be disappointed if I don’t.

The small purple goblin who lives in my toaster is telling me this would be a good time to wrap things up. Are you buying that? Are you buying the idea that this is a fictional first-person narrator with a toaster-dwelling goblin buddy and not just me, the author, rambling for want of any better ideas?

Well, I don’t care. This story now has an obviously fantastical element so technically it’s fiction.

The end.

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook CoverOsiris Likes This Cover

Click any cover to find that book in your choice of format.