Ultraviolent Unicorn Deathmatch of Destiny 3: Thundah Down Undah

Flash Fiction Month 2019, Day 30

A hyperlinked version of this story is available here.

1

You are Gallopy Buzzbrain – a unicorn with a chainsaw for a horn – and you have been selected for the most brutal arena deathmatch in the whole southern hemisphere.

An air-horn blares. The Chunder Games are about to begin.

“I can get you out of here,” says the combat wombat in the cell next to yours, “but you have to do exactly what I say.”

Do that: 2

Murder him: 3


2

“When the gates open, let me ride you.”

The gates open.

Okay: 6

Nope! 5


3

You jam your horn through the cage bars and revel in the meat-splatter.

“DISQUALIFIED!!!” bellows the announcer.

Aww.

Mope in your pen: 4

Arena violence: 5

4

You sit out the deathmatch and have no fun at all.

~END~

5

You decapitate half a dozen kangaroonicorns, their heads dropping to the ground like lawn darts.

The crowd cheers.

Kill more kangaroonicorns: 7

Go for something bigger: 8

6

The combat wombat clambers onto your back: “I need a weapon!”

Find one: 9

Make one: 10

Screw you! 11

7

You slaughter a baker’s dozen more.

More kangaroonicornicide: 18

Go for something bigger: 8

8

Thylacoleo carnifex: 19

A puppy: 20

9

You run for a sword rack in the centre of the arena.

The combat wombat claims a claymore.

“Quickly! Take me to the main gates!”

Fine: 12

Screw you! 11

10

You sharpen a wooden post with your horn, then lop it off at ground level. The wombat takes it.

“Quickly! Take me to the main gates!”

Fine! 12

Screw you! 11


11

“You’re not the boss of me!” you yell.

Arena violence: 5


12

The combat wombat vaults the gates. You hear a great deal of stabbing, then the gates open.

“FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!” yells the wombat.

The combatants flood out through the gates.

Some of them do, anyway. A lot stay and fight.

Leave Chunder Games: 13

Arena violence: 5


13

You stride out of the Chunder Games into a life of peace and…

No, wait, it’s a riot.

Help combat wombat: 14

Eat audience: 15

Buy popcorn: 16


14

The wombat takes down many foes, but is mortally wounded by a chainsaw unicorn just like you!

“Avenge…me…” groans your noble ally.

Fight other unicorn: 39

Eat audience: 15

Buy popcorn: 16


15

You eat some of the slower spectators.

It stands to reason that if slow-cooked food tastes good, so does slow food in general.

Buy popcorn: 16

Explore stadium: 36


16

No money.

Eat audience: 15

Steal popcorn: 17


17

You fear you may be crossing a line here.

Eat popcorn: 30

Eat popcorn vendor: 31


18

Nope, they’re onto you. They’ve teamed up.

You are impaled by countless hopping horns.

~END~


19

The marsupial lion sizes you up.

It must decide you’re an okay size, because it charges.

Attack: 28

Dodge: 29


20

Okay, it’s not “bigger,” but it is delicious.

Eat puppy: 21

Thylacoleo carnifex: 19

Kill more kangaroonicorns: 7


21

You eat the puppy and absorb its cuteness!

The audience stares in aww.

Charm guards: 22

Charm Thylacoleo carnifex: 23


22

You flip your luxurious mane and the guards let you walk right out of the arena.

Actually, they let a whole lot of other combatants out too.

It’s pretty messy.

Eat audience: 15

Buy popcorn: 16


23

You stamp your hooves majestically.

The marsupial lion bows!

Team up: 24

Murder it: 25

Interspecies make-out session: 26


24

…how, exactly?

Cunning plan: 27

Interspecies make-out session: 26


25

You try to decapitate the beast, but it dodges!

Fight! 19


26

The two of you kiss, and it’s pretty intense (not least because of the beast’s pointed incisors and vast carnassial premolars).

Everybody’s super grossed-out. They all leave.

The two of you pretty much just walk out of the deathmatch.

~END~


27

The best cunning plan you can come up with is to trash the place.

Eat audience: 15

Buy popcorn: 16


28

Yeah, no.

Thylacoleo carnifex is extremely specialised at taking down big game. Like, its inability to go after anything smaller than itself may have been a factor in it going extinct.

It eats you.

~END~


29

The lion leaps, and so do you!

You do an absolutely epic jump, plant your hooves on its head, and kick off again, flying right over the arena wall.

You open some gates between the audience and the arena just for giggles.

Eat audience: 15

Buy popcorn: 16


30

You stick your head in the popcorn machine and really pig out.

OHMMMMMMMNUMFFLUMMNUMGRUMMMMFL!!!

“Stop, thief!” shouts a Shetland pony with a revolver duct-taped to its head.

Popcorn smokescreen: 32

Take vendor hostage: 33


31

“I have a wife and kids!”

Don’t care lol: 37

Eat those instead: 38


32

You throw a small amount of popcorn in the air.

The pony shoots you in the face.

~END~


33

Accidental decapitation!

Blood smokescreen: 34

Explain: 35


34

It’s surprisingly effective!

Explore stadium: 36


35

“Okay, so-”

The pony shoots you in the face.

~END~


36

Up to the fancy seats: 42

Down to the basement: 43

Escape to the billabong: 44


37

You munch on the popcorn vendor, happy in the knowledge that you didn’t stoop to base thievery.

Your conscience is clear.

Explore stadium: 36


38

Aww. Another unicorn beat you to it.

Fight other unicorn: 39

Eat popcorn vendor: 37


39

“Strewth!” shouts the other unicorn, barely dodging your chainsaw horn.

Epic duel commences: 40


40

You start to do that whole Errol Flynn silhouette fencing thing but the other unicorn slips on the stairs and breaks all four legs.

Epic duel ends: 41


41

That was anti-climactic.

Explore stadium: 36


42

VIP area!

Sneak inside: 48

Down to the basement: 43


43

Leprechauns playing poker!

Join in: 47

Up to the fancy seats: 42


44

Bunyip!

Befriend: 45

Consume: 46


45

You kick back with your bunyip buddy.

Bonza!

~END~


46

You wade into the water.

The chainsaw engine in your head gets swamped and sputters out.

The bunyip laughs at you.

~END~


47

“Cut the deck, mate.”

You do.

Nobody is happy about it.

Up to the fancy seats: 42

Escape to the billabong: 44


48

Suspiciously quiet.

Explore further: 49

Jump through window: 50


49

A chair swivels.

“So you found me. Good on ya. I’m Bruce Bloodbath, and I own this establishment.”

Hear him out: 51

Violence! 52


50

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

SPLAT!

~END~


51

“I’d like to make you a regular in the Chunder Games.”

Okay!!! 53

Violence! 52


52

You gore Bruce Bloodbath and eat his spleen.

He very much approves of the whole thing.

Puts you right off.

~END~


53

You do that.

After all, it’s not as if you can’t just escape again later.

Which you do. Repeatedly.

It’s great!

~END~

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook CoverOsiris Likes This Cover

Click any cover to find that book in your choice of format.

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