Ultraviolent Unicorn Deathmatch of Destiny 2: Aquatic Boogaloo

Flash Fiction Month 2018, Day 31

Challenge #14: Write a story that includes a criminal character and is not set on dry land. It may be a 369er, an epistolary narrative, or a work of interactive fiction.

A hyperlinked version of this story is available here.

1

You are Wishes O’Houlihan, top agent of the International Leprechaun Police. Riding atop your mighty steed – a unicorn with a chainsaw for a horn – you are unstoppable.

Your mission is to take down Captain Blokebeard, the most notorious pirate of the North Specific.

…but how?

Parachute in! 2

Speedboat chase! 3

Launch yourself from a cannon! 4

2

Your lunch flies from the pack on your back.

Uh-oh…

You land on the deck at fifty metres per second.

Your steed crashes on top of you a moment later.

I…

Uh…

Gimme a minute… 5

3

Riding atop a unicorn who’s riding in a speedboat, you initiate an epic nautical chase and…

…immediately take a harpoon to the face. Your steed steers to Blokebeard’s ship alone.

Oof.

That’s uh…

Gimme a minute… 5

4

“Fire!” you yell.

Unfortunately you were less than six metres from Blokebeard’s ship at the time.

You splatter across the side of it.

Your steed hits the gunk, bounces, and lands ignominously on the deck, looking stunned.

Uh…

Gimme a minute… 5

5

Wait, wait…

Let me think: 6

6

I said let me think! Don’t just carry on!

Just carry on: 7

Wait patiently: 8

7

Okay, fine!

You’re still Wishes O’Houlihan and you are dead.

Happy now?

~END~

8

That’s not waiting!!!

Actually wait patiently: 9

9

That’s better.

You are now Clip-clop Von Shinyhooves, and you hunger for meat!

Wreck the deck! 10

Go below: 11

10

There are other unicorns here!

Befriend: 12

Consume!!! 13

11

It’s dark.

Find lightswitch: 18

Let eyes adjust: 19

12

“‘Sup?” you say, playin’ it cool.

“Piracy,” says a unicorn with four peg legs. “Wanna join in?”

“Sure.” 14

“Winners don’t do tugs!” 13

13

Stabby-stabby horn time!

You lunge for the belly of a unicorn with two eyepatches.

Entrails gush over your face.

Yummy! 15

More violence! 16

Jump overboard! 17

14

Epic unicorn piracy ensues!

~END~

15

Somebody chansaws you in the belly while you’re distracted.

Yeah. There were still several other unicorns here, remember?

“You gonna eat that?” you ask, as your own entrails burst forth.

You’re gross.

~END~

16

You decapitate a unicorn who was already a quadruple amputee.

You’re pretty much the worst.

Even more violence! 23

That’s enough: 24

17

You can’t swim.

The engine in your skull drags you down like a petrol-powered stone.

Aw, nuts: 43

18

You nose around.

Your chainsaw horn connects with something…fleshy.

A man screams.

Apologise: 20

Jump overboard! 17

FINISH HIM! 21

19

The lights snap on.

“SURPRISE!” shout people in party hats.

PARTY!!! 22

20

“Oopsie! My bad!”

“WHY WON’T YOU END MY SUFFERING???”

FINISH HIM! 21

Jump overboard! 17

21

Ah… Murderrific!

Suddenly the lights flick on.

“SURPRISE!” shout a crowd of people in party hats.

They’re unconcerned about the murder.

PARTY!!! 22

22

Oh.

There’s a banner saying “Happy Birthday Michelle.”

Since you’re not Michelle, everyone goes back to hiding.

Wait in the dark: 25

Screw this: 26

23

You chase after the remaining unicorns with your laser eyes.

Pew! Pew!

They flee to the bridge: 35

24

Nobody wants to fight you any more.

Go below: 11

Nonchalant cannibalism: 29

25

Michelle’s still not here.

Wait longer: 32

Screw this: 26

26

You wander off to the…

Engines: 27

Hold: 28

27

Leprechauns shovel coal into the furnaces.

Suggest they unionise: 30

Shove them in: 31

Head to the hold: 28

28

Gasp!

There’s MONEY in here!

Eat money: 53

29

Nom nom nom.

Well, that’s your day complete!

~END~

30

Turns out they’re furnace slaves.

That explains the chains.

Free them! 36

Shove them in: 31

31

Mmm, toasty.

That sure passed the time.

Eat charred leprechauns: 33

Visit hold: 28

Jump overboard: 17

32

Still not here.

Wait even longer: 34

Screw this: 26

33

They might be charred, but they’re still raw on the inside.

Just the way you like ’em!

At this point you feel like you’ve done everything except…

Head for the bridge: 35

Jump overboard! 17

34

Nope. Nada.

Wait longer still: 39

Screw this: 26

35

Standing at the helm, you find Captain Blokebeard himself!

“Yar-har!” he says.

It sounds like the beginning of an extremely long speech.

Chainsaw him! 55

Hear him out: 54

36

With your mighty chainsaw horn, you free the slaves.

And lop off a couple of hands.

Hey! “Mighty” and “precise” very rarely come as a package.

Provide hooks: 37

Eat hands: 38

37

Who has hooks? Pirates.

Where you gonna find pirates?

The bridge: 35

Penzance: 41

The Caribbean: 42

38

Tasty!

The leprechauns are peeved, though. They seem to think you did that on purpose.

You are overwhelmed by many tiny punches.

From the ones that still have hands, anyway.

~END~

39

“Oh, yeah!” says the guy next to you. “She quit.”

Keep waiting anyway: 25

Screw this: 26

Poop out of sheer frustration: 40

40

Several grenades fall from your butt and clatter to the floor.

“Did…” says the guy. “Did you just…”

Everything explodes.

It’s not silent, but it is deadly.

~END~

41

You don’t know where that is.

Pick again.

Bridge: 35

The Caribbean: 42

42

Actually, screw the leprechauns.

You enjoy a bangin’ beach holiday.

~END~

43

Glub glub.

Life flashing before eyes: 44

44

Your first birthady.

You try to cut the cake with your chainsaw horn and it splatters everywhere.

Another memory: 45

What’s prodding you? 46

45

Four years old.

A leprechaun approaches you in the paddock. It’s Wishes O’Houlihan.

“This one,” he says.

More memories: 47

What’s prodding you? 46

46

You open your eyes.

It’s a narwhal!

She moves to kiss you on the mouth.

That’s pretty sexy: 48

That’s pretty gross: 49

47

Nope, you dead.

~END~

48

Awwwwwwwwww yeaaaaaaaaaaah.

Narwhals are basically unicorn mermaids. It’s super hot.

Also it turns out she’s giving you air.

Not dying is a bonus.

Don’t die: 50

49

You thrash about and, due to the chainsaw on your head, suddenly she’s not horny any more.

Total punnage!

Also you drown.

~END~

50

She leads you to an underwater grotto.

“Only you can repopulate Cetaceatlantis!” she says. “Because, you know, unicorns are basically narwhal non-mermaids.”

Nautical sexytimes: 51

“Ew. No.” 52

51

Well, I’m out.

~BYE~

52

She slaps you back to the boat.

You crash through the window of the bridge: 35

53

You guzzle money until you burst.

It’s super gory and painful.

Worth it, though!

~END~

54

Turns out it WASN’T the start of a speech.

Captain Blokebeard shoots you in the face with a blunderbuss and turns you into glue.

It really stings.

~END~

55

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!

You bifurcate Captain Blokebeard.

It’s strangely anticlimactic, but least you avenged whosit and whatnot.

You win.

~END~

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook CoverOsiris Likes This Cover

Click any cover to find that book in your choice of format.

One comment

  1. Pingback: Blunderball Paperback Now Available | Damon L. Wakes

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