Flash Fiction Month 2017, Day 26
“Yarr!” cried Long Schlong Silver, one hand on the hilt of his mighty cutlass. “I be on a quest for booty!”
The crew of the boarded vessel stared in awe at Silver’s glistening pecs, peeking coyly from his open, billowing shirt. For a moment, all were too distracted to speak.
Then the captain stepped forward, loosening his cravat. “Have heart, men!” he announced. “I’ll take care of this rogue.”
The captain spoke with a heavy accent. Silver couldn’t quite place where it came from, but he knew with every fibre of his being that it was deeply and innately sexy.
“So ye think ye can handle the legendary Long Schlong Silver?” he demanded, raising an eyebrow.
The captain stepped closer. “I’ve got a few ideas what to do with you.”
Silver took a step himself. He was now so close to the captain that their nipples were practically touching through the one shirt between them. “Do ye now?”
“Aye. But perhaps we should go below deck for the…negotiations.”
“I’ll grant ye that.” Silver glanced about the ship. “Though I’ve half a mind to make yer crew watch.”
“I wouldn’t go taking liberties,” said the captain. “You might have the upper hand now, but I’ve got a pretty big cannon, and the balls to match.”
The innuendo was mediocre at best, but wow did that accent make it work.
“Well then.” Silver gave his most seductive pirate smile. “Below decks it is.”
Long Schlong Silver followed the captain down the steps and into his cabin.
After carefully locking the door, the captain strode over to the bed, bent over, and…
…produced a small chest.
This, he brought to a table in the centre of the room. He set it down and opened it. Inside was a modest but undeniably valuable assortment of gold coins from ports across the globe.
“All this can be yours—nice and easy—if you simply leave my ship and crew in peace.”
Silver couldn’t muster up anything to say for a moment. “What?” he managed, after a pause.
“I’ll concede this sum and this alone. Ask any more and my crew will fight to the last man!”
Disappointment and frustration welled up inside Silver like a waterspout. “But…the cannon! The big balls!”
“Aye! Broad Bernard: the most fearsome long gun ever made! I’ve a man at the fuse ready to put a hole through your timbers you could pass a jolly boat through!”
Silver sat on the captain’s bed, head in his hands. “By Davy Jones’ janglies, not again…”
“What? What is it?”
Long Schlong Silver sighed.
“If this is some kind of trick, I won’t be swayed!” The captain pointed angrily to the chest of coins. “I offer this amount, and no more!”
“I don’t want to fight ye and I don’t want yer treasure.” He sighed again. “When I became a pirate, I was hoping to enjoy some ‘swashbuckling’ and ‘booty.’ Instead, all I get is swashbuckling and booty.”
“Those sound like the same things.”
“They’re not the same things!” Silver leapt off the bed.
“How are swashbuckling and booty not the same things as swashbuckling and booty? That makes no sense!”
“Swashbuckling and booty are definitely not the same things as ‘swashbuckling…’” He performed a fairly unmistakeable pelvic gesture. “And ‘booty.’” The second gesture was similarly self-explanatory.
“Oh,” said the captain. “Oh!”
There was a pause.
“So you really don’t want my treasure, then?”
“Because I’m not doing the other thing!”
“Aye, I got that.” Silver walked over and unlocked the door. “Have fun with yer legitimate, non-sexy nautical adventures.”
“You too,” said the captain. Then, apparently, realised that probably wasn’t quite as consolatory as he’d meant. “I mean…you know…”
“Of course.” Silver waved a hand dismissively as he began to ascend the stairs. “I’m sure the next ship will be the one for me.”
Then again, he considered, he’d felt that way about the Flaming Dutchman too.
If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:
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