The Unremarkable Adventures of Captain Redundancy and Tautology Boy

Flash Fiction Month 2015, Day 17

“Uh-oh!” wheezed the criminal, glancing behind him at the superhero hot on his heels. “Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!”

He turned a corner and found himself staring down a narrow alleyway that ended in a tall brick wall.

“Okay,” he said, turning around and holding out his big bag with a dollar sign on it. “If I give up the money now, can we skip all the slapping and just head straight to the police station? Please?”

The Astounding Welt hefted his ruler of justice menacingly.

Suddenly, the robber found himself ensnared in a net dropped from a first floor window.

“Aha!” cried the masked hero above. “Take that, you naughty ne’er-do-well!”

“Seriously?” The robber stared at him. “I was more or less already caught before you even got here.”

“Then all is well!” The hero flourished his cape. “For I am Captain Redundancy, the vengeful masked avenger!”

“And at his side, his sidekick, Tautology Boy!” added the kid poking his face out the window beside him.

“Thank you, heroes!” The Astounding Welt raised a chubby, swollen hand in salute. “I’ll take it from here.”

But just at that moment, another net dropped over the criminal.

“Oh, come on!”

“Aha!” cried a new masked hero from a different window. “Take that, you naughty ne’er-do-well! Your plan has been foiled by I, Sergeant Superfluous!”

“And I,” added the kid next to him, “Kid Obvious!”

“Oh my.” The Astounding Welt looked from one dynamic duo to the other. “Well, this is…uh…I’ll just be going now.” He heaved the netted criminal over his shoulder. “Come along, you nefarious evildoer, you.”

Both crook and caped crusader looked glad to be on their way out of the alley.

Captain Redundancy stared at Sergeant Superfluous. “I have two questions for you. One: why are you here? And two: what are you doing here?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” asked Kid Obvious. “We capture criminals who are basically captured already.”

“Wherever there is injustice and it’s already more or less been dealt with,” intoned Sergeant Superfluous, “we’ll be there. Wherever there is wrongdoing that’s on its way towards being made right, we’ll be there. And wherever a superhero is entirely capable of doing their job, we’ll be there too.”

“But that captive criminal had already been captured!” cried Tautology Boy.

“Precisely.” Kid Obvious shrugged. “That’s why we were here to catch him.”

Both pairs of heroes stared across the alleyway, sizing one another up.

“This town isn’t big enough for all of us to be in this town,” said Captain Redundancy, narrowing his eyes.

“We appear to be enemies who don’t get along,” added Kid Obvious, cracking his knuckles.

“Looks like we’ve got ourselves a two-against-two superhero brawl!” said all four heroes, simultaneously.

“Wow,” all four said in unison, “that was weird.”

“We’re all saying the exact same words at the exact same time,” they chorused. “Even right now. Even this very speech, and I suspect that this phenomenon will continue even if the sequence of words becomes extremely llama aquaplane inventory soap.”

“Hey!” exclaimed Kid Obvious, on his own. “That’s really impr…oh, nuts.”

“Perhaps we were too quick to underestimate how much we had in common,” Captain Redundancy stroked his huge cleft chin in thought.

“We may have more in common than we thought we had in common,” added Sergeant Superfluous.

“Perhaps we could work together collaboratively,” chimed in Kid Obvious and Tautology Boy.

“That would make one crime-fighting duo completely redundant.”

“Superfluous, even.”

“We would be a dynamic duo of dynamic duos!” said everyone.

“Help!” shouted an old lady on the road nearby. “He’s got my purse!”

“My superflu-sense is tingling,” said Sergeant Superfluous.

Captain Redundancy lifted a hand to his ear. “And I’m getting a tip-off from my redunderground agents.”

“I’ll stop that villainous purse-snatcher!” declared Captain Caulk, clearly on top of the situation.

Captain Redundancy and Sergeant Superfluous exchanged a meaningful glance. Then, simultaneously and with no prior planning, they both struck the same dramatic pose.

“Onwards to somewhere else that is not here!”

If you’ve enjoyed this story, you can find my work from previous Flash Fiction Months collected in these books:

OCR is Not the Only Font Cover REDESIGN (Barbecued Iguana)Red Herring Cover (Barbecued Iguana design)Bionic Punchline eBook Cover

Click any cover to download that book in your choice of format.

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